I did the thing I said I’d never do.

“No, I’m not going back to read all my morning pages!,” I’d say.

But the next unspoken thought would be, “Well, maybe some day.”

While I still can’t imagine reading all 121+ notebooks, I did manage to read one– the oldest one in the bunch, dated August of ’03.

What are morning pages?

I experience the process of filling three pages like that of running the windshield wipers. Life throws plenty of “road spray” on us as par for the course of being human. Inside and out, we accumulate plenty of muck. Then, imagine a great set of wipers and a splash of soap swiftly gets the grime out of the way so that you can see again.

Not only do you feel refreshed, but can actually have a better view of where you are going.

If you’re familiar with the practice of writing morning pages, then you know that Julia Cameron has been encouraging this daily creativity-liberating tool as key to The Artist’s Way for decades. Fill three hand-written stream-of-consciousness pages every morning, and set them aside. “No one is allowed to read your pages except you,” she writes.

I somehow missed that “except you” part and took it a step further:

Declaring a strict no-audience approach at the top of my first page gave me the liberty I needed.

Wanting to make more space in my closet the other day, it occurred to me that maybe I could get rid of all those notebooks. There are four heavy boxes, for goodness sake, holding 19 years worth of my streamed-by-hand thoughts, feelings, worries, dreams, troubles, hopes, fears, frets, fog and occasional brilliance.

I got curious about the earliest entry, and then got pulled in.

What did I find?

Surprised by my neat handwriting (I’ve given up legibility in recent years), I sound rather awake and even focused, but still in the flow of whatever was popping up for me to write down

All the muck aside, four categories arose as I read:

Desires

My desires, small and large, fill up lots of lines. It’s as though I finally had a place to exhale all the wants and wishes I’d been holding in my heart. Here are some of my wants… just from the first week!

• “to be healthy, to have a clean slate.”
• “softer clothes, silks, scarves,… comfortable flow, flattering lines and colorful hues.”
• “the peace of my own voice” and “to be at home, to belong where I am.”
• “I want to let go of doing it right and expecting others to do it right all the time, too.”
• “I want to relax into the rhythm of my creative life.”

Wisdom

Kind and concise advice/wisdom appears from a voice inside me or beyond, I’m not sure it matters which.

• “It really is ok for me to do things out of order.”
• “Keep letting go and calling my energy back from wanting to caretake.”
• “Wake up, Amy & listen. Bring what you need.”
• “I’m not too anything! Nothing wrong with me! I’m just wanting what I want.”
• “What works is open, honest, loving, imperfect communication and mutual understandings. I get to choose.”

Prayers

I also noticed prayers sprinkled throughout, most likely toward the foot of page three. Direct talking with God or Spirit or angels. Asking for help or expressing thanks.

• “God, please help me make room to include all my imperfections and those of others. Help me not to get pulled into false reassurances. I want the truth. I want to relax into it.”
• “God, please help me stay in faith as I stay in action, guided by your whispers to me.”
• “Thank you, God, for guiding me here. Please wrap Your love around me, a big healing hug.”

Many of the same themes resonate with me today, and what I care about is spelled out on every page. Creativity, spirit, peace, justice, fun, freedom, play, connection and ease. Healing, growth and evolution is processed and evident in the pages, too. Whether in one day, one week, or over the course of engaging in this practice for years.

Commentary

There is also a smattering of commentary on the morning pages themselves:

• “Such sleepiness when I write these pages like a state in-between. Oh, good, this is the third page.”
• “My mind goes faster than my pen.”
• “These morning pages help me.”

Do you write/read your morning pages?

Choosing your spiritual practices is a personal matter for sure. What’s your choice?

So much of writing morning pages is in the process. I think of it like composting the emotional and mental stuff of living daily human life that in the uncensored flow from the pen across the page transforms into the nutrients that fertilize the best growth for whatever creative dreams are planted within us.

And when I allowed myself to break my own “no-audience” rule for a moment, I see that that the pages have been a catalyst for me to experience the same heart’s desires I wrote down — to know the peace of my own voice, to be at home and belong where I am; to relax into the rhythm of my creative life.

I encourage you to give it a try.