Here in the Midwest, you might say we are known for indirect requests.
“The knives are getting dull.”
“I sure am getting thirsty.”
“The kids need a baby-sitter.”
Taken at face value, such examples do well to name the problem, but the implied meaning in certain contexts puts an unspoken expectation upon the listener to generate and even provide a solution.
“Here, let me get the sharpener out and take care of that.”
“I’ll get you a glass of lemonade.”
“Well, I can watch the children.”
Do you recognize this pattern in your own interactions? If so, what would be possible if the exchange were more direct? Whatever your cultural background, or habits of communication, there can be advantages to everyone involved when requests are made in a way that is clean and clear.
What makes a healthy request?
Effective requests are specific, actionable and have a clear deadline. They often begin with phrases like: “I have a request” or “Will you please…” Although it may seem awkward at first, there is freedom when honestly naming what you are after. Plus, you may be more likely to get what you want and need.
“Would you please sharpen the knives for me before dinner tomorrow night?”
“Will you please come over and take care of the kids on Saturday from 6 to 9pm?”
“When you’re in the kitchen, will you please grab me a soda?”
It’s helpful when a person receives enough information from the request to know what they are saying yes or no to, right?
To that end, try not to start with a question that leaves the other person with less freedom to respond. For instance, “Are you free on Saturday night?” doesn’t really express what you are asking for and is not really the invitation it sounds like. “Are you thirsty?” becomes a trick question when the truth is that you are the one craving an ice-cold beverage.
Being clear and to the point does everyone a favor.
Request vs. Demand
From the get-go we must be sure that our request is sincerely a request and not a demand.
And we aren’t talking about tone of voice here.
NonViolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg teaches us that a request differs from a demand not in the delivery of how nicely it was asked, but rather in a negative consequence brought about by the requester if the request is not accepted. A genuine request requires full room for a “no.”
For example, when a parent asks a child to clean their room, is the child free not to do it ? If the child experiences some negative repercussion from the parent, then “Will you please clean your room today?” would be categorized as a demand. If it is safe for the request to be declined without punishment, then it is a sincere request.
3 Ways to Reply
The person responding to a true request has three options. They are free to accept, decline or counteroffer with an alternative commitment.
Yes
Accepted. The details of the request are workable for the respondent and they agree to follow through.
“Sure, I’ll sharpen the knives this evening.”
No
Decline. It does not work for the respondent to fulfill the request, and no explanation is necessary.
“I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” (Note that no explanation is necessary.)
Counter Offer
The respondent accepts the request if certain adjustments are made to the details. If the requester agrees, they have a deal.
“Sure, I’ll sharpen the knives, but not until this weekend. Will that work?”
“Not now, but I’ll get your a soda at half-time, ok?”
The mutual understanding of a request is that the agreement is taken sincerely and adds joy to the giving.
What do you think?
If you would like to hone your practice of offering clear requests, one suggestion is to begin small. Start with a low-stakes situation and notice what happens. When you’re ready to amp up, how might clear clean requests support your next creative endeavors?
Ask away!
